Asking for Help Can Heal Abuse Survivors

Asking for Help Can Heal Abuse Survivors
Learning to ask for and accept help can be a way to heal from the past trauma of abuse. It can be a way to heal from hyper independence and teach your kids how to have healthy relationships. This post explores the why and how of asking for help.


He Doesn't Get To Treat You Like Shit Anymore!

He Doesn't Get To Treat You Like Shit Anymore!
Lean in, Sister.
What I'm about to say comes from a place of LOVE and from a place of SHARED EXPERIENCE with you.

No matter what your ex, or soon-to-be-ex thinks or believes.
No matter what he tells you is 'his right' to say or do.
No matter how he has treated you in the past.
No matter however long the years were where you tolerated any of the following...

Demeaning you
Screaming at you
Scolding you
Talking down to you
Correcting you
Making fun of you
Calling you names
Treating you like you're dumb or less than in any way/shape/form

Guess What?
He doesn't get to treat you like that anymore.

"Easier said than done, Vickie."
"Sounds great, but it's so hard."
"I can't stand up to him because I'm afraid."

I said all of these, and more. For years.

You just DECIDED today, right now, in this moment, that your ex doesn't get to treat you like that anymore?
Decisions are SUPER POWERFUL my friend.

And Rome wasn't build in a day, right? 
You typically don't go from decision to badass overnight.

Once you make this decision though, like REALLY make it in your heart, and believe it with every fiber of your being, then your view of every encounter, every email, every text changes. 

Your lens is no longer "Oh I wish he would stop...",  or "Why can't he just leave me alone..." 

No. Your new lens, with the power of this decision behind it, is "I'm going to say no right now." 
You respond to the next time he's screaming at you on the phone with, "I won't be treated like this. I'm hanging up now." And you hang up! (Then go barf if you have to because of how hard that was, it's all good.)

With every choice, you now move in the direction of being in alignment with the decision you made.

"He can no longer treat me like shit."
In fact, it helps me tremendously to say these decisions as declarations out loud. 
Before you see him or have to interact with him. 
Say it out loud when you wake up and anytime you feel unsure or afraid. 
Every single day.

I promise you this, you will begin to feel things shift in your life. You will be in a better place a month from now than you are today. 

How can I promise you this? Because I was sitting where you are right now, wishing and needing things to change, suffering endlessly under the power (that I was giving him! that you are giving yours!) of his post-separation abuse.

Say this out loud with me right now:

"He can no longer treat me like shit."
I'm here to help you stand firm in this! 
Find support where I, and 500+ other women are standing up and saying no more HERE, in my FB GROUP community.
God made you for this!


Not Feeling Supported By Those Closest To You?

Not  Feeling Supported By Those Closest To You?

Let’s chat about our circles, shall we? Our people, friends, family, sisters, confidants, pastors, counselors, co-workers.

It may seem obvious to surround yourself with people who support you. You believe your parents love and support you and your sister wants you to be happy. Of course your best friend just wants to see you with a new guy. Your co-worker keeps telling you what you should do even though she's never been through a divorce. You've got people seemingly 'on your side', but yet you feel very alone.

If you've told someone closest to you something very vulnerable about a challenge you're facing, whether you're co-parenting with the abuser or you’re battling it out in court  and your friend makes a hurtful comment, or they doubt what you're saying is true, or they give you advice that's very generic and run of the mill that might work for other people divorcing, but not us with narcissists, then your people are not helping you. 

You've got people in your life who claim ‘Switzerland neutrality’, because “there are always two sides to every story”, or they're advising you what you should have done or what you should do now. Realize their advice and attitudes are coming from their life experiences. And if that does not involve a narcissist or abuse, you don't need to be listening to them. 

I know it’s hard to hear what I'm saying. You might think your circle of people is already really small and you don't want to alienate anybody because then there would hardly be anyone left!

That’s actually okay, because if the people that are in your already small circle are telling you things that are harmful, hurtful, not supportive, or they’re making you doubt yourself, you don't want to continue confiding in them.

Think about your people as you read below.

Circle One

You tell them your story and they feel terrible for you. They express how sorry they are that you’re going through a tough time, but they have nothing to offer you other than maybe taking you to dinner and taking your mind off of things for a bit. They're still in your life, but you’re not going to divulge all the details of your situation and expect to be deeply supported. 

This could also be people, that after you’ve described how awful your post-abuse situation is, they look at you with fear in their face. They’re so far removed from being able to understand that they are scared to even be near you or they're scared for their own marriage. These are people who tell you to “just get over it” or “it takes two to tango”. 

Circle Two

These people believe you as you describe the horrific abuse of you and your kids, pre and post separation. They are ‘on your side’. They might watch your kids if you need to go to court. These are people who “get it” to some degree of what you’re dealing with in the abuser/narcissist and will go the extra mile to actually help you in some way, shape or form. However, they aren't the people that are going to be able to really understand where you're coming from and give you solid advice. Their support only goes so far. 

Circle Three

These are your people! Where you call them up crying for the 50th time, because you are so upset over what your ex just did in front of the kids, how your ex just verbally abused you at a custody exchange. They never say to you, stop talking to me about it. Aren't you over it by now? Can't you just move on?

No, those are the people you move to circle one.

Circle Three people say, come over or I'm coming over. And even if they haven't gone through abuse, for whatever reason, they have a knowing. They support you in your decisions. They cheer you on and want nothing more than to see you happy and thriving. They help you trust yourself, they help you heal. They believe you. These are your Circle Three people.

I encourage you to take a piece of paper and categorize your people into these three circles. You may find there is a reason you have not been feeling supported by your tribe, and that there’s a need to change who you confide in going forward.

I explained this in greater detail, including an example from my story, with more guidance on how to move people from circle to circle in order to protect your heart and your confidence.  Listen to that HERE.

I recorded this video inside of my exclusive Facebook community, Hopeful + Healed Moms. If you're not in there, you truly are missing out on a group of mommas who truly GET IT and will support you as a circle three person, even though they may live across the globe and be a complete stranger! Join HERE

God made you for this!