Holidays. Birthdays. Vacations. Special Events. Trips.
Every single time, the narc would create massive, gut-wrenching, drama.
Every. Single. Time.
Once he made such a stink - threatening to separate - that I cancelled a girls trip the morning of my flight, so I could stay home and 'work things out' with him.
Another time, the night before a huge business presentation in front of 500+ people, he kept me up till 3am, emotionally bashing me, holding me hostage to listen to his ranting and raving as I cried for hours over what I could not control (his BS)!
The LAST time I allowed this to happen was on a Christmas Eve. As I joyfully assembled a My Little Pony castle for our daughter, heart full of gratitude having just finished a year of surgeries, chemotherapy and recovery from breast cancer, he started a fight. (I cannot recall over what, because for narcs, it could be over anything and nothing at all.) I remember that sinking feeling, that I had to 'take it' and listen to him spout lies and bring up the past over and over again so that he wouldn't wake up our kid.
Sitting here, years removed from being ‘with’ him, on a holiday weekend, and I feel anxious.
I give myself grace for feeling this way. For crying and letting it out.
Trauma forms in so many layers, and this feels like another one peeling back, exposing the wound underneath, ready to be healed. I allow the feelings to flow through me, but I don’t stay in that place.
I’ve come to believe; I create my reality.
I realize I’m ‘hiding’ because I feel anxious and nervous- and also fully responsible for everything - creating my life, building my business, my daughter's upbringing, cleaning the house, cooking the meals, making the money, self-development, doing all-the-things cultivating friendships. And healing from decades of trauma.
So I cry and let it out. Then I pick myself up.
I’m grateful for this moment, to identify why I feel the yuck. Now I can take action.
THIS is powerful. THIS is the EXACT fucking option I didn’t feel I had during those spoiled, trauma-filled events with the narc.
I DECIDE. I get to decide how I want my life to go now.
I get to make money and build my business that feels so damn good and aligns with my highest desire to help other women through this shit.
I get to buy my dream home, my dream car, and hire professionals to clean my home.
I get to prepare my heart for the deep romantic love of an emotionally healthy man (whom I believe God has fully designed and prepared for me, and me for him).
I get to shape and guide my daughter into the woman God designed her to be!
This is IT!
THIS IS FREEDOM!
THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WISHING FOR!
So, I wipe my eyes, take a deep breath, rub VALOR oil over my heart to bolster my courage- and I TAKE HOLD of THIS LIFE, THIS OPPORTUNITY.
THANK - YOU - JESUS.