One topic that comes up frequently in our Facebook group of survivors is phone calls and FaceTime chats between the kids and their dad. I’ve seen court orders that are specific to the minute: 15 minutes on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. I’ve also seen extremely vague orders giving each parent unrestricted access to phone calls.
This is a huge problem because you never know what you’re going to get when the narcissist gets on the chat. Will it be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?
In my situation, one day the ex would go on and on about what a good mommy I was and how it was so great that I was doing fun things with my daughter, and the next day he would criticize everything and tell her that we shouldn’t have done what we did because it was dangerous or not a good place to go.
This happens in part because the narcissist is jealous of your relationship with your kids. He knows you’re closer and more in tune with your kids and he can’t stand it. He can’t relate to them like you can and he can’t buy their love. So he has to tear you down to feel better about himself.
There’s no way to know which character you’re going to get on any given day. Here are two ways you can prepare for the Mr. Hyde days.
First, empower your kids. One way I empowered my daughter was to put some essential oils on her before her scheduled time for a call. I firmly believe in the power of pure essential oils to help tap into your own bravery. We put it on her wrist and her throat to help her feel courageous, brave, and able to handle whatever dad was going to throw her away.
In the guides section of our Facebook group there are videos I made that give many practical tips on how to empower your kids to be brave and stand up to their dad. I also created a course that goes more in depth on this concept. You can get it here.
Second, remember who you are. You are Mom: the safe parent, the protective parent. I know that fear of courts and judges and fear of negative kickback from the ex can keep you from following your instincts.
If there was no fear of either of those things, what would you do when the ex gets on the phone with your kid and starts emotionally abusing, verbally abusing, spiritually abusing, brainwashing, and manipulating them?
You would stop them. You would end that phone call and tell them they are not allowed to treat your kids that way when they’re in your care. Right?
There comes a point where you have to choose whether you’re going to continue to act in fear or begin to act in confidence.
You are a good mom and you know what you want to do to protect your kids. You can give yourself permission to do it.
If your kid is visibly upset when talking to their dad, find a way to end the call. You can get on the call and calmly tell the ex that your child is very upset and crying, so we’re going to end the call. Or you can give your kids a phrase to use to excuse themselves from the conversation. They can tell him they don’t like what he’s saying and they’re going to hang up. If it’s difficult to be that direct, they can just say they’re ready to get off the phone.
Document what happened and why you ended the call. Then if it’s ever brought up in court, you have something to back up your actions. Give yourself permission to protect your kids.
Taking this step can be scary, but I know you can do it.
If you’d like some help in getting started, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. I’ll help you gain some clarity and talk about some tools that you can use to bolster your confidence and find some peace for you and your kids.
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
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