Did you just read the title of this post and think, "Yes, great! She's going to tell me exactly what to say to shut him down and stop his bullying of me and my kids!"?
I'm actually not going to give you the words to say to your ex. I'm going to give you something even better.
I'll show you HOW I shut down my ex's bullying and teach you how to do the same.
Ask yourself:
"How do I currently cope with the ex bullying me? What's my 'go-to' strategy? And is it working?"
Perhaps he's overtly in your face at custody exchanges yelling and calling you names, or manipulating you in an email to get his way, or threatening you via text to take you back to court if you don't do X (what he wants).
Maybe he's showing up at places he knows you'll be with your kid/s to make you uncomfortable, driving home his message that he's not going away and has no plans to leave you alone.
All of this insidious coercion and intimidation is aimed to get what he wants. Co-parenting with our abuser permeates everything we do. It's constant and incessant. These toxic narcissistic exes are relentless in their pursuit to destroy us.
What was your answer above in how you cope with his coercive control tactics? Were you honest with yourself whether that coping mechanism is working (or not)?
My former tactic was to use AVOIDANCE as a way of handling the non-stop bullying.
Is this what you're doing now, too?
Is it working?
Do you have peace, feel in control of your life, and not dread contact with your ex?
That is my definition of any tactic 'working' with these disordered dudes.
You and I both know there's a level at which we have to ignore a lot of the narc's nonsense, right? You cannot respond to everything, nor defend yourself against every accusation, correct? We get that AND there's a difference between deciding when to use a canned response, not to respond at all, or when we are avoiding dealing with him, hoping he will just stop at some point.
I'm talking about using avoidance as your main tactic to cope with the bullying.
I speak from years of experience. Post-separation, I would withstand his lecturing, still listen to all the BS he was spouting at me, allow him to heap on the accusations. I would just listen to all of it and avoid responding. Repeatedly. For three years. It wasn't working.
I found myself super angry ALL OF THE TIME.
I recognized I was living out the exact relational pattern with him separated as I was when we were together under the same roof. Something had to change. I was miserable.
And, what was I teaching my kid about bullies if I didn't stand up to the biggest one in both of our lives?
I'm actually not going to give you the words to say to your ex. I'm going to give you something even better.
I'll show you HOW I shut down my ex's bullying and teach you how to do the same.
Ask yourself:
"How do I currently cope with the ex bullying me? What's my 'go-to' strategy? And is it working?"
Perhaps he's overtly in your face at custody exchanges yelling and calling you names, or manipulating you in an email to get his way, or threatening you via text to take you back to court if you don't do X (what he wants).
Maybe he's showing up at places he knows you'll be with your kid/s to make you uncomfortable, driving home his message that he's not going away and has no plans to leave you alone.
All of this insidious coercion and intimidation is aimed to get what he wants. Co-parenting with our abuser permeates everything we do. It's constant and incessant. These toxic narcissistic exes are relentless in their pursuit to destroy us.
What was your answer above in how you cope with his coercive control tactics? Were you honest with yourself whether that coping mechanism is working (or not)?
My former tactic was to use AVOIDANCE as a way of handling the non-stop bullying.
Is this what you're doing now, too?
Is it working?
Do you have peace, feel in control of your life, and not dread contact with your ex?
That is my definition of any tactic 'working' with these disordered dudes.
You and I both know there's a level at which we have to ignore a lot of the narc's nonsense, right? You cannot respond to everything, nor defend yourself against every accusation, correct? We get that AND there's a difference between deciding when to use a canned response, not to respond at all, or when we are avoiding dealing with him, hoping he will just stop at some point.
I'm talking about using avoidance as your main tactic to cope with the bullying.
I speak from years of experience. Post-separation, I would withstand his lecturing, still listen to all the BS he was spouting at me, allow him to heap on the accusations. I would just listen to all of it and avoid responding. Repeatedly. For three years. It wasn't working.
I found myself super angry ALL OF THE TIME.
I recognized I was living out the exact relational pattern with him separated as I was when we were together under the same roof. Something had to change. I was miserable.
And, what was I teaching my kid about bullies if I didn't stand up to the biggest one in both of our lives?
If you recognize what you're doing isn't working, listen to HOW I shut down the bullying of my abuser and how you can do it, too.
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
WANT TO RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAILS FULL OF ENCOURAGEMENT + ADVICE?
0 Comments