Have you had this experience? The main narc in your life; your ex, your mother, your sister, etc., will ruin your holiday.
Every. Single. Time.
Whether it's a birthday, Mother's Day, a celebration of an achievement you did at work, or certainly big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. Have you asked yourself why the narc is always such a pain in the butt on holidays? Why is there always extra drama and chaos? Why is he extra cranky?
Maybe you’re like me and have vivid memories of holidays being ruined. Year after year.
It's very common that all narcissists set out to spoil every joyful event in your life..
So why do they do it?
First of all, I think you would agree that narcs don't want you or me to be happy. They don't want you to feel or experience joy AT ALL. It's primarily because they cannot experience joy themselves.
Since this is true, as moms who have escaped their abuse with our children, our sole focus is to experience joy and peace and happiness for us and our kids since we were all miserable for years. And wherever you are in the process, still living with the narcissist, separated, divorced, with or without custody orders, the ex is going to use your kids as pawns to make sure that you do not experience joy or happiness for the holidays.
When we don't accept this as our reality, and we ‘hope’ that this Christmas will be different, we ‘hope’ the ex isn’t going to give us a hard time for the holidays, we ‘hope’ they will not emotionally abuse our kids over Thanksgiving, nine times out of 10 we are either slightly disappointed or severely knocked on our butts with devastation, frustration, anger, or sadness. This happens when we don't face the situation with reality in our brains, in our hearts and in our expectations that they set out to spoil joy for us and our kids.
Embracing this reality and dumping the ‘hope he does the right thing’ strategy empowers you to take control of your life.
The second reason why narcissists ruin holidays is they have no empathy. Whether they don’t have the ability to empathize or they choose not, I know for sure they have no empathy. The ex in my world acted all “bleeding heart for everybody” and pawned himself off as this extremely empathetic and compassionate guy. Yet when I was sobbing on the floor from his abuse, where was the empathy and compassion then? Nowhere to be found. That lack of empathy will extend towards your kids. It's heartbreaking yet it is true.
A third reason narcissists sabotage holidays for you and your kids, is that holidays breed intimacy and connection. Isn't that why you get together with family? You're trying to create connection, you're trying to make memories, right? And all of that centers around warmth, connection, and intimacy. Narcs cannot do ANY of those things. They don’t do TRUE intimacy and connection. They cannot be vulnerable and because of that they exploit your vulnerabilities and those of your children.
And the fourth one - misery loves company. So if they're feeling all sorts of negative emotions around the holiday, then they're miserable. And they are miserable, aren't they? Do you know a narcissist who's genuinely happy? You might think oh, he has a new girlfriend, or oh, they just bought this brand new house together. I guarantee you in his heart of hearts when he's alone and in general, he's a miserable person inside and out.
So if misery loves company, the narcs absolutely want to bring you and your kids into the fold.
Misery loves company.
If you agree with any one (or all) of my observations above, you have a choice on how to handle their drama and chaos. Yes, you do have a choice, even if in the past your ex has created havoc in your life around the holidays. You no longer have to be a victim in his game and no longer have to allow him to ruin the memories of holidays with your children.
Here are a few tips on what you CAN do to guard yourself and your kids from their destruction, and allow joyful and peaceful holidays. Take a listen HERE.
And if you want MORE practical tips you can use immediately, grab my Guide to Co-Parenting With a Narcissist During the Holidays!
GET THE GUIDE
Every. Single. Time.
Whether it's a birthday, Mother's Day, a celebration of an achievement you did at work, or certainly big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. Have you asked yourself why the narc is always such a pain in the butt on holidays? Why is there always extra drama and chaos? Why is he extra cranky?
Maybe you’re like me and have vivid memories of holidays being ruined. Year after year.
It's very common that all narcissists set out to spoil every joyful event in your life..
So why do they do it?
First of all, I think you would agree that narcs don't want you or me to be happy. They don't want you to feel or experience joy AT ALL. It's primarily because they cannot experience joy themselves.
Since this is true, as moms who have escaped their abuse with our children, our sole focus is to experience joy and peace and happiness for us and our kids since we were all miserable for years. And wherever you are in the process, still living with the narcissist, separated, divorced, with or without custody orders, the ex is going to use your kids as pawns to make sure that you do not experience joy or happiness for the holidays.
When we don't accept this as our reality, and we ‘hope’ that this Christmas will be different, we ‘hope’ the ex isn’t going to give us a hard time for the holidays, we ‘hope’ they will not emotionally abuse our kids over Thanksgiving, nine times out of 10 we are either slightly disappointed or severely knocked on our butts with devastation, frustration, anger, or sadness. This happens when we don't face the situation with reality in our brains, in our hearts and in our expectations that they set out to spoil joy for us and our kids.
Embracing this reality and dumping the ‘hope he does the right thing’ strategy empowers you to take control of your life.
The second reason why narcissists ruin holidays is they have no empathy. Whether they don’t have the ability to empathize or they choose not, I know for sure they have no empathy. The ex in my world acted all “bleeding heart for everybody” and pawned himself off as this extremely empathetic and compassionate guy. Yet when I was sobbing on the floor from his abuse, where was the empathy and compassion then? Nowhere to be found. That lack of empathy will extend towards your kids. It's heartbreaking yet it is true.
A third reason narcissists sabotage holidays for you and your kids, is that holidays breed intimacy and connection. Isn't that why you get together with family? You're trying to create connection, you're trying to make memories, right? And all of that centers around warmth, connection, and intimacy. Narcs cannot do ANY of those things. They don’t do TRUE intimacy and connection. They cannot be vulnerable and because of that they exploit your vulnerabilities and those of your children.
And the fourth one - misery loves company. So if they're feeling all sorts of negative emotions around the holiday, then they're miserable. And they are miserable, aren't they? Do you know a narcissist who's genuinely happy? You might think oh, he has a new girlfriend, or oh, they just bought this brand new house together. I guarantee you in his heart of hearts when he's alone and in general, he's a miserable person inside and out.
So if misery loves company, the narcs absolutely want to bring you and your kids into the fold.
Misery loves company.
If you agree with any one (or all) of my observations above, you have a choice on how to handle their drama and chaos. Yes, you do have a choice, even if in the past your ex has created havoc in your life around the holidays. You no longer have to be a victim in his game and no longer have to allow him to ruin the memories of holidays with your children.
Here are a few tips on what you CAN do to guard yourself and your kids from their destruction, and allow joyful and peaceful holidays. Take a listen HERE.
And if you want MORE practical tips you can use immediately, grab my Guide to Co-Parenting With a Narcissist During the Holidays!
GET THE GUIDE
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
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