"How can I have been so stupid?"
Have you heard yourself saying that? Thinking it, likely saying it a lot, especially after you come to the knowledge of the truth of what you've been dealing with in your narcissist ex-husband. Realizing, like I did, that he's been lying to me for 20 years!
Every time another layer would be revealed to you and you find yourself saying, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have been such a fool? How could I have been so freaking dumb?
And how angry have you been getting at yourself as you realize the truth? Beating yourself up and asking how in the world that you didn't see this before!
I don't know about you, but I was quite hard on myself in the years after I left for the last and final time. I've found in healing from narcissistic abuse, we are the worst critics in our own minds. Our voices in our heads are the worst, condemning voices, the most harsh voices. And part of that is because we've had the abusers voice speaking death and lies over us for years and we then took those lies, his condemning voice on as our reality, our truth.
We just escaped really harsh people and abusive people. I decided at a certain point that I didn't want to keep speaking so harshly to myself anymore.
Because I was definitely one of the harshest people on myself in my head. How the hell could I have fallen for this guy? How the hell could I have been with him for 24 years?
Perhaps you find yourself saying similar things, or even fielding those same questions from your (potentially) well-meaning friends and family.
Let's give ourselves some credit AND some grace though!
We were charmed by the ex.
We were lied to by a master manipulator and liar!
We were led by our hearts that wanted a happy relationship, and a family.
We were duped.
And it's because of our goodness and our desire for good things (loving marriage, happy family) that we were deceived.
Let's give ourselves a freaking break and stop beating ourselves up. Starting today, like right now.
Decide to stop - when the thought comes up for you, answer it with "Because I am a good person. Because I love completely and deeply. Because he is a pathological liar. Because _________" (add your own truth in there).
Love you sis. This is how we heal ourselves and give permission to our kids to do the same.
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