Have you ever considered yourself to be a doormat?
Maybe you've felt like you were being taken advantage of yet you couldn’t say no. Repeatedly.
Or you feel like you have a filter on everything you say.
For me, I used to feel like my words were being blocked somewhere in my throat. Like I was being stifled from some invisible force.
Perhaps you leave convos with friends/coworkers/your boss/mom/ex feeling dissatisfied and think ‘ I should have said xyz.’ Yet in the back of your mind you know you'd never say xyz bc you’re afraid of
Rejection
Reactions
Losing the relationship
Being called a b i t c h
This is a common outcome for those of us who have been abused, feeling like and acting as if we're a doormat to other people in our lives, not just our exes.
We may never have learned the skills nor the tools around boundary setting, nor allowed the freedom to speak up and say ‘no’ and stand up for ourselves and our kids without negative consequences.
This was a huge issue for me. I never thought I’d go from a doormat to a boundary queen. Ever. People in my family used to call me “The Peacemaker’ from childhood - which really meant I was the one who didn’t say anything, never spoke up, and ran from conflict. In essence they were calling me The Doormat.
Oftentimes with the ex, we’re trying to buffer, to protect the kids. And trust me, he knows that. He knows we’re unwilling to say no, especially in front of the kids and risk a potential conflict for fear they will be emotionally harmed. I was unwilling at all costs to say no to him, and certainly couldn’t put up a boundary and hold it in front of our kid.
A conflict is not the worst thing that our kids could see. In my experience, the worst thing they could see is us as their moms being doormats because they will very likely become the same thing in their lives.
When I first left the ex, I wouldn’t even let him step foot in my house. I was angry and that fueled my boundaries to be strong and crystal clear. So when he would pick up our child for a visit, I put up a strong boundary. However, I never did the healing work on myself to be able to maintain strong boundaries.
As these toxic dudes do, they wear us down. And mine had 20+ years of history to know I would never stand strong against what he wanted since I'd always backed down from anything he didn't agree with in the past.
First he asked to come into the foyer of my home because it was winter when picking up our kid for his visitation, so I let him come into the foyer.
A week later he popped by unannounced and asked if he could come further into the house, into the basement, to play with our 1 year old for a few minutes. Because I didn’t feel strong enough nor had the tools to say no, I allowed him!
A month later, he came up the steps onto the main level for 'something to drink'. This led to him watching a cartoon with our kid and invading my safe space that I had established apart from his madness and abuse!
I found myself becoming super angry and feeling out of control. In my head it was 'all his fault', and I felt trapped inside of my own home!
I became convinced though, that this was my fault because I let him push me around. My words said one thing, but my actions said another. This was how it had been in our 20 year relationship, and now was no different,
I'd love to tell you I took an immediate stand and ended this cascade of intrusion into my new found freedom. But that wasn't my story. It took me THREE years, yes three years, to understand I had the power to draw a boundary and hold it, no matter what he said or did. Our daughter was being emotionally harmed allowing him to walk all over me, and seeing me turn my anger inward toward myself for not being able to say no.
I am now a Boundary Queen with my ex and with others in my life. I can feel when a boundary is being pushed, when a person is attempting to cross it, or even the slightest bend of it. I take action immediately. I don't second guess my gut, and I am ok if a person is upset with me, or even ends a relationship.
When our boundaries cause others to push them or they walk away because they can’t control us, that is proof that you are healing and growing and showing your kids how to do the same!
I can tell you this with 100% certainty - if I can evolve from being a doormat to a boundary boss, So. Can. You.
I couldn't see myself being this strong and this clear in how people get to treat me when I was a doormat, and I admired many women who had this 'super power'. So this is me, reaching back into the fire that you may be in right now and offering you a hand.
I lead a powerful group of women on Facebook with more advice and training on how to heal from abuse while co parenting with your abuser. Join us HERE.
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
WANT TO RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAILS FULL OF ENCOURAGEMENT + ADVICE?
Is this your first Christmas and holiday season apart from your ex, or are you a seasoned veteran looking for tips to make this year smoother, with little to no drama?
You're smart to prepare in protecting your peace and setting your kids up to have the best holidays possible while dealing with a narcissistic father and ex!
If your ex, your kid's dad, is truly narcissistic, whether officially diagnosed or not, you must always remember that you're dealing with someone who is disordered in their thinking, in their emotions, and in their motives.
This reminder is not to feel sorry for him. I'm sure you've done enough of that for a lifetime like I have. No, this reminder is to help you plan for peace as much as possible, and to drop the hope that your ex will 'do the right thing' or 'not give me any problems' this holiday season.
You and I can get really angry at the ex after he pulls his antics, or defies the court order, or pushes us around and hurts our kids. AND, what I found is typically if we've given an inch, or we've agreed to steer away from the custody order, we end up getting bit in the butt by his drama, and then what happens? We lose our joy. We are super angry at the ex AND at ourselves for ever trusting him to do what's right.
Holidays are typically a time of good cheer, lots of good vibes, and the spirit of generosity abounds, including our desire to be generous to others, yes? We also tend to relax routines, and for you and me, it likely means we are more willing to relax boundaries that we've worked really hard to set up. You may be desiring to do everything possible so that your kids have this amazing holiday despite the fact that they have an abusive dad, despite that they're adjusting to two households, despite you working three jobs, whatever it is.
All the things I've listed that we know to be part of the holidays, your narcissistic ex will use as opportunities. Sound familiar? What I found is that with the narcissist, every change of routine, every sick day, snow day, every holiday equals an opportunity for him to weasel his way into your plans, ruin your plans, make the day about him, and a major opportunity for him to play up the victim card. He'll press you (or your kids) until you give him an inch. Then he'll take a mile!
Case in point: Several years ago, our custody order stated the ex was to bring our daughter to my home by 12pm Christmas Day. He texted around 11am and asked if they could have an extra hour since our daughter was having so much fun 'playing with her cousins'. My spirit of generosity and my desire to give my kid a stellar holiday responded, "Sure." FOUR HOURS LATER, and my daughter was not home with me as she should have been.
And what was I doing the entire time waiting for them, texting him with no answer, while my Christmas day slipped away as did my joy? I was SEETHING. I was super angry at him, but more than anything, I was uber mad at myself for giving him that inch. He exploited my generosity (and for the last time, I might add)!
Does this sound familiar to you, too? Do you have stories of your ex taking advantage of your generosity and desire to give your kids the best holidays where you've been burned by him?
I believe a huge part of why we allow these things to happen is we want to give our kids the world, we desire to shield them from hurtful things, and we would love to co-parent with our ex like 'regular people'. Meaning, we deeply wish the ex would truly care about our kids and put them first in making decisions.
But with narcissists, that is a dream that will never come true.
But with narcissists, that is a dream that will never come true.
So we find ourselves in situations where we're constantly being put in between a rock and a hard place by the ex. We know we can't give an inch or he'll take a mile, we are frequently pitted as the bad guy to our kids, and we also desire to co-parent in a healthy way. It's a no-win place so many times.
What can you do? What is the answer? A few ideas..,
1. Know your court order inside and out, to the letter. And FOLLOW IT (even if the ex doesn't).
2. Ask yourself some hard questions, like why you bend when the ex asks? Are you still believing he can do the right thing consistently? Are you holding onto a fantasy that can never be true in co-parenting with him?
For more questions to ask yourself and for more tips around following the Court Order, click on the link below!
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
WANT TO RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAILS FULL OF ENCOURAGEMENT + ADVICE?
When your ex is a narcissist, it's maddening to hear your kids talk about their dad as if he is such a good person. As if he truly cares about them and their well-being. As if he tells the truth, and is trust-worthy.
When you know the truth about their dad, but feel like a gag-order is on you for fear of what the courts might do should you tell your kids the truth, how do you navigate this tricky-as-hell situation?
Sister, notice my word choice in the title of this article. I am not suggesting you TEACH your kids who their dad really is. Instead, I’m encouraging you to ALLOW your kids to see their dad for who he really is.
Let me explain.
As much as I wanted to come right out and explain, teach, use diagrams and proof to TELL my daughter who her dad was, I knew that was not the most effective way to go about revealing the truth to her. At the time, she was seven years old and told both of us everything that the other parent did or said. After she came to me, time after time, disappointed that her dad didn’t keep his word, upset that he guilted her into doing things, and mad that he didn’t listen to her or honor her preferences/opinions, I realized I didn’t need to teach her a dang thing about him at all.
Eventually most abusers reveal their true selves to their family, friends and to their kids. They may not reveal who they truly are right away. It could take years. And you might think, “My kid’s dad is such a good con artist that my kids don't see through him at all. In fact, they side with him. In fact, they think he walks on water and believe every word he says.”
As usual, we must turn this around and look at what you can control. YOU.
This is excellent news, given the fact that you’ve likely been attempting to protect and shield your kids from the narcissist for years.
So, ask yourself this question and get brutally honest in your answer:
Is there a way (or many ways) that perhaps you are shielding your kids from the truth of who their dad is?
Hear me, I am NOT blaming you or laying guilt on you. I found it tremendously helpful to ask myself if what I was doing was working when it came to allowing my daughter to really know her dad's true colors and agenda.
I know that you and I desire to protect our kids from heartache. However, I am saying that protecting your kid from the truth of who their dad is actually harms and hinders them. I know that's the last thing you want to do!
I protected my daughter to the extreme, shielding her from any conflict between her dad and me. I was so worried thinking that the worst thing she could experience would be a conflict. This meant that I didn't share the truth of situations where he was involved, that I didn't put up necessary healthy boundaries with him, and that I would make excuses for his behavior all the time.
When I took a step back and realized that she was going to a wolf each and every time she went to be in his custody, and here I was helping to paint a picture that he was a good guy, that he was harmless, that he was a sheep. That was a lie. No, abusive fathers are wolves in sheep's clothing.
What you need to do is just get out of the way and stop shielding your kids. Yes, of course, we have to shield them on some levels on some things. But that's more of an exception at this point, rather than the rule.
Example: You have this family reunion that happens once every 10 years and you're trying to swap time with your ex and he won't agree to it. Typically, what might you do? Tell your kids, “Oh, it didn't work out. Your dad can’t trade weekends with me because of ________ (make an excuse for him).”
No, this time (and going forward), call his bullshit. You get out of the way and tell your kids the TRUTH. “Dad said no.”
You might think I'm wrong, and that's okay. But if their dad said no and for no valid reason other than to be his difficult and selfish self, why in the world would you protect him by not telling your kids the truth?
“Dad said, ‘No’.” And then let your kids feel whatever they're going to feel; anger, disappointment, sadness, disbelief. Notice, you didn't say a negative word about him at all! You just let them see him for who he really is!
For more tips on HOW around this topic - and for the complete conversation - take a listen to the original video below!
LISTEN HERE
LISTEN HERE
Momma Bear - you can and you must - do this for your kids! I promise it can get better once your kids hearts break knowing their father's motives and feeling his lack of love and care for them. At least they can live from a place of truth and not fantasy, learn how to think critically, identify bullying, and advocate for themselves the rest of their lives. This is sacred work, Sister. Glad you're here.
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
WANT TO RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAILS FULL OF ENCOURAGEMENT + ADVICE?
Have you had this experience? The main narc in your life; your ex, your mother, your sister, etc., will ruin your holiday.
Every. Single. Time.
Whether it's a birthday, Mother's Day, a celebration of an achievement you did at work, or certainly big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. Have you asked yourself why the narc is always such a pain in the butt on holidays? Why is there always extra drama and chaos? Why is he extra cranky?
Maybe you’re like me and have vivid memories of holidays being ruined. Year after year.
It's very common that all narcissists set out to spoil every joyful event in your life..
So why do they do it?
First of all, I think you would agree that narcs don't want you or me to be happy. They don't want you to feel or experience joy AT ALL. It's primarily because they cannot experience joy themselves.
Since this is true, as moms who have escaped their abuse with our children, our sole focus is to experience joy and peace and happiness for us and our kids since we were all miserable for years. And wherever you are in the process, still living with the narcissist, separated, divorced, with or without custody orders, the ex is going to use your kids as pawns to make sure that you do not experience joy or happiness for the holidays.
When we don't accept this as our reality, and we ‘hope’ that this Christmas will be different, we ‘hope’ the ex isn’t going to give us a hard time for the holidays, we ‘hope’ they will not emotionally abuse our kids over Thanksgiving, nine times out of 10 we are either slightly disappointed or severely knocked on our butts with devastation, frustration, anger, or sadness. This happens when we don't face the situation with reality in our brains, in our hearts and in our expectations that they set out to spoil joy for us and our kids.
Embracing this reality and dumping the ‘hope he does the right thing’ strategy empowers you to take control of your life.
The second reason why narcissists ruin holidays is they have no empathy. Whether they don’t have the ability to empathize or they choose not, I know for sure they have no empathy. The ex in my world acted all “bleeding heart for everybody” and pawned himself off as this extremely empathetic and compassionate guy. Yet when I was sobbing on the floor from his abuse, where was the empathy and compassion then? Nowhere to be found. That lack of empathy will extend towards your kids. It's heartbreaking yet it is true.
A third reason narcissists sabotage holidays for you and your kids, is that holidays breed intimacy and connection. Isn't that why you get together with family? You're trying to create connection, you're trying to make memories, right? And all of that centers around warmth, connection, and intimacy. Narcs cannot do ANY of those things. They don’t do TRUE intimacy and connection. They cannot be vulnerable and because of that they exploit your vulnerabilities and those of your children.
And the fourth one - misery loves company. So if they're feeling all sorts of negative emotions around the holiday, then they're miserable. And they are miserable, aren't they? Do you know a narcissist who's genuinely happy? You might think oh, he has a new girlfriend, or oh, they just bought this brand new house together. I guarantee you in his heart of hearts when he's alone and in general, he's a miserable person inside and out.
So if misery loves company, the narcs absolutely want to bring you and your kids into the fold.
Misery loves company.
If you agree with any one (or all) of my observations above, you have a choice on how to handle their drama and chaos. Yes, you do have a choice, even if in the past your ex has created havoc in your life around the holidays. You no longer have to be a victim in his game and no longer have to allow him to ruin the memories of holidays with your children.
Here are a few tips on what you CAN do to guard yourself and your kids from their destruction, and allow joyful and peaceful holidays. Take a listen HERE.
And if you want MORE practical tips you can use immediately, grab my Guide to Co-Parenting With a Narcissist During the Holidays!
GET THE GUIDE
Every. Single. Time.
Whether it's a birthday, Mother's Day, a celebration of an achievement you did at work, or certainly big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. Have you asked yourself why the narc is always such a pain in the butt on holidays? Why is there always extra drama and chaos? Why is he extra cranky?
Maybe you’re like me and have vivid memories of holidays being ruined. Year after year.
It's very common that all narcissists set out to spoil every joyful event in your life..
So why do they do it?
First of all, I think you would agree that narcs don't want you or me to be happy. They don't want you to feel or experience joy AT ALL. It's primarily because they cannot experience joy themselves.
Since this is true, as moms who have escaped their abuse with our children, our sole focus is to experience joy and peace and happiness for us and our kids since we were all miserable for years. And wherever you are in the process, still living with the narcissist, separated, divorced, with or without custody orders, the ex is going to use your kids as pawns to make sure that you do not experience joy or happiness for the holidays.
When we don't accept this as our reality, and we ‘hope’ that this Christmas will be different, we ‘hope’ the ex isn’t going to give us a hard time for the holidays, we ‘hope’ they will not emotionally abuse our kids over Thanksgiving, nine times out of 10 we are either slightly disappointed or severely knocked on our butts with devastation, frustration, anger, or sadness. This happens when we don't face the situation with reality in our brains, in our hearts and in our expectations that they set out to spoil joy for us and our kids.
Embracing this reality and dumping the ‘hope he does the right thing’ strategy empowers you to take control of your life.
The second reason why narcissists ruin holidays is they have no empathy. Whether they don’t have the ability to empathize or they choose not, I know for sure they have no empathy. The ex in my world acted all “bleeding heart for everybody” and pawned himself off as this extremely empathetic and compassionate guy. Yet when I was sobbing on the floor from his abuse, where was the empathy and compassion then? Nowhere to be found. That lack of empathy will extend towards your kids. It's heartbreaking yet it is true.
A third reason narcissists sabotage holidays for you and your kids, is that holidays breed intimacy and connection. Isn't that why you get together with family? You're trying to create connection, you're trying to make memories, right? And all of that centers around warmth, connection, and intimacy. Narcs cannot do ANY of those things. They don’t do TRUE intimacy and connection. They cannot be vulnerable and because of that they exploit your vulnerabilities and those of your children.
And the fourth one - misery loves company. So if they're feeling all sorts of negative emotions around the holiday, then they're miserable. And they are miserable, aren't they? Do you know a narcissist who's genuinely happy? You might think oh, he has a new girlfriend, or oh, they just bought this brand new house together. I guarantee you in his heart of hearts when he's alone and in general, he's a miserable person inside and out.
So if misery loves company, the narcs absolutely want to bring you and your kids into the fold.
Misery loves company.
If you agree with any one (or all) of my observations above, you have a choice on how to handle their drama and chaos. Yes, you do have a choice, even if in the past your ex has created havoc in your life around the holidays. You no longer have to be a victim in his game and no longer have to allow him to ruin the memories of holidays with your children.
Here are a few tips on what you CAN do to guard yourself and your kids from their destruction, and allow joyful and peaceful holidays. Take a listen HERE.
And if you want MORE practical tips you can use immediately, grab my Guide to Co-Parenting With a Narcissist During the Holidays!
GET THE GUIDE
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
WANT TO RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAILS FULL OF ENCOURAGEMENT + ADVICE?
Did you just read the title of this post and think, "Yes, great! She's going to tell me exactly what to say to shut him down and stop his bullying of me and my kids!"?
I'm actually not going to give you the words to say to your ex. I'm going to give you something even better.
I'll show you HOW I shut down my ex's bullying and teach you how to do the same.
Ask yourself:
"How do I currently cope with the ex bullying me? What's my 'go-to' strategy? And is it working?"
Perhaps he's overtly in your face at custody exchanges yelling and calling you names, or manipulating you in an email to get his way, or threatening you via text to take you back to court if you don't do X (what he wants).
Maybe he's showing up at places he knows you'll be with your kid/s to make you uncomfortable, driving home his message that he's not going away and has no plans to leave you alone.
All of this insidious coercion and intimidation is aimed to get what he wants. Co-parenting with our abuser permeates everything we do. It's constant and incessant. These toxic narcissistic exes are relentless in their pursuit to destroy us.
What was your answer above in how you cope with his coercive control tactics? Were you honest with yourself whether that coping mechanism is working (or not)?
My former tactic was to use AVOIDANCE as a way of handling the non-stop bullying.
Is this what you're doing now, too?
Is it working?
Do you have peace, feel in control of your life, and not dread contact with your ex?
That is my definition of any tactic 'working' with these disordered dudes.
You and I both know there's a level at which we have to ignore a lot of the narc's nonsense, right? You cannot respond to everything, nor defend yourself against every accusation, correct? We get that AND there's a difference between deciding when to use a canned response, not to respond at all, or when we are avoiding dealing with him, hoping he will just stop at some point.
I'm talking about using avoidance as your main tactic to cope with the bullying.
I speak from years of experience. Post-separation, I would withstand his lecturing, still listen to all the BS he was spouting at me, allow him to heap on the accusations. I would just listen to all of it and avoid responding. Repeatedly. For three years. It wasn't working.
I found myself super angry ALL OF THE TIME.
I recognized I was living out the exact relational pattern with him separated as I was when we were together under the same roof. Something had to change. I was miserable.
And, what was I teaching my kid about bullies if I didn't stand up to the biggest one in both of our lives?
I'm actually not going to give you the words to say to your ex. I'm going to give you something even better.
I'll show you HOW I shut down my ex's bullying and teach you how to do the same.
Ask yourself:
"How do I currently cope with the ex bullying me? What's my 'go-to' strategy? And is it working?"
Perhaps he's overtly in your face at custody exchanges yelling and calling you names, or manipulating you in an email to get his way, or threatening you via text to take you back to court if you don't do X (what he wants).
Maybe he's showing up at places he knows you'll be with your kid/s to make you uncomfortable, driving home his message that he's not going away and has no plans to leave you alone.
All of this insidious coercion and intimidation is aimed to get what he wants. Co-parenting with our abuser permeates everything we do. It's constant and incessant. These toxic narcissistic exes are relentless in their pursuit to destroy us.
What was your answer above in how you cope with his coercive control tactics? Were you honest with yourself whether that coping mechanism is working (or not)?
My former tactic was to use AVOIDANCE as a way of handling the non-stop bullying.
Is this what you're doing now, too?
Is it working?
Do you have peace, feel in control of your life, and not dread contact with your ex?
That is my definition of any tactic 'working' with these disordered dudes.
You and I both know there's a level at which we have to ignore a lot of the narc's nonsense, right? You cannot respond to everything, nor defend yourself against every accusation, correct? We get that AND there's a difference between deciding when to use a canned response, not to respond at all, or when we are avoiding dealing with him, hoping he will just stop at some point.
I'm talking about using avoidance as your main tactic to cope with the bullying.
I speak from years of experience. Post-separation, I would withstand his lecturing, still listen to all the BS he was spouting at me, allow him to heap on the accusations. I would just listen to all of it and avoid responding. Repeatedly. For three years. It wasn't working.
I found myself super angry ALL OF THE TIME.
I recognized I was living out the exact relational pattern with him separated as I was when we were together under the same roof. Something had to change. I was miserable.
And, what was I teaching my kid about bullies if I didn't stand up to the biggest one in both of our lives?
If you recognize what you're doing isn't working, listen to HOW I shut down the bullying of my abuser and how you can do it, too.
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
WANT TO RECEIVE WEEKLY EMAILS FULL OF ENCOURAGEMENT + ADVICE?
