Expect him to be the emotional roller coaster that he is and plan for it. When he does something good for the kids, chalk it up as a good day and roll with it. When he doesn’t, you’ve already planned for it and it doesn’t rock you to your core.
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I wanted to release the ex from the harm that he's done to me and my kid so that I could feel better. You could call that forgiveness, but it was more like 'release and detach'. Yet I couldn't do it. And I definitely couldn't forgive. I couldn't even pray.
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Everything was piling up and weighing on me, and one day I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I sat down on the floor and sobbed. It all came crashing down on me and I couldn’t hide the feelings like I usually did.
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"How can I have been so stupid?"
Have you asked yourself that? Thinking it, likely saying it a lot, especially after you come to the knowledge of the truth of what you've been dealing with in your narcissist ex-husband. Realizing, like I did, that he's been lying to me for 20 years!
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Is this your first Christmas and holiday season apart from your ex, or are you a seasoned veteran looking for tips to make this year smoother, with little to no drama?
You're smart to prepare in protecting your peace and setting your kids up to have the best holidays possible while dealing with a narcissistic father and ex!
If your ex, your kid's dad, is truly narcissistic, whether officially diagnosed or not, you must always remember that you're dealing with someone who is disordered in their thinking, in their emotions, and in their motives.
This reminder is not to feel sorry for him. I'm sure you've done enough of that for a lifetime like I have. No, this reminder is to help you plan for peace as much as possible, and to drop the hope that your ex will 'do the right thing' or 'not give me any problems' this holiday season.
You and I can get really angry at the ex after he pulls his antics, or defies the court order, or pushes us around and hurts our kids. AND, what I found is typically if we've given an inch, or we've agreed to steer away from the custody order, we end up getting bit in the butt by his drama, and then what happens? We lose our joy. We are super angry at the ex AND at ourselves for ever trusting him to do what's right.
Holidays are typically a time of good cheer, lots of good vibes, and the spirit of generosity abounds, including our desire to be generous to others, yes? We also tend to relax routines, and for you and me, it likely means we are more willing to relax boundaries that we've worked really hard to set up. You may be desiring to do everything possible so that your kids have this amazing holiday despite the fact that they have an abusive dad, despite that they're adjusting to two households, despite you working three jobs, whatever it is.
All the things I've listed that we know to be part of the holidays, your narcissistic ex will use as opportunities. Sound familiar? What I found is that with the narcissist, every change of routine, every sick day, snow day, every holiday equals an opportunity for him to weasel his way into your plans, ruin your plans, make the day about him, and a major opportunity for him to play up the victim card. He'll press you (or your kids) until you give him an inch. Then he'll take a mile!
Case in point: Several years ago, our custody order stated the ex was to bring our daughter to my home by 12pm Christmas Day. He texted around 11am and asked if they could have an extra hour since our daughter was having so much fun 'playing with her cousins'. My spirit of generosity and my desire to give my kid a stellar holiday responded, "Sure." FOUR HOURS LATER, and my daughter was not home with me as she should have been.
And what was I doing the entire time waiting for them, texting him with no answer, while my Christmas day slipped away as did my joy? I was SEETHING. I was super angry at him, but more than anything, I was uber mad at myself for giving him that inch. He exploited my generosity (and for the last time, I might add)!
Does this sound familiar to you, too? Do you have stories of your ex taking advantage of your generosity and desire to give your kids the best holidays where you've been burned by him?
I believe a huge part of why we allow these things to happen is we want to give our kids the world, we desire to shield them from hurtful things, and we would love to co-parent with our ex like 'regular people'. Meaning, we deeply wish the ex would truly care about our kids and put them first in making decisions.
But with narcissists, that is a dream that will never come true.
But with narcissists, that is a dream that will never come true.
So we find ourselves in situations where we're constantly being put in between a rock and a hard place by the ex. We know we can't give an inch or he'll take a mile, we are frequently pitted as the bad guy to our kids, and we also desire to co-parent in a healthy way. It's a no-win place so many times.
What can you do? What is the answer? A few ideas..,
1. Know your court order inside and out, to the letter. And FOLLOW IT (even if the ex doesn't).
2. Ask yourself some hard questions, like why you bend when the ex asks? Are you still believing he can do the right thing consistently? Are you holding onto a fantasy that can never be true in co-parenting with him?
For more questions to ask yourself and for more tips around following the Court Order, click on the link below!
God made you for this!
XO,
Vickie
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